YouTube - Top Places Black Men Get Killed PSA

Too much time on my hands... My lady says I have the voice of a fat man. Check out my first YouTube post. Next time I'll just turn on the webcam. Happy New Year!

All Time Great Worst Gift Ever

Twelve year old, talking to his estranged father by phone...

"Hey Sport."

"Hey Dad."

"I'll be there for Christmas. You know what I got ya? I got you one of these game systems you wanted so bad."

"Really Dad. The Xbox 360?!"

"Yeah Sport. Something like that...I got it for a really good price."

"Yes! I love you Dad. Can't wait to see you..."

"Love ya too Sport."

Guaranteed disappointment.

People Watching #17

Jose and Marco...




(translated from Spanish)

"What you think about Alice?"

"Alice? Who's Alice?"

"The new waitress. Nice ass." Jose pointed toward her with his eyebrow. "I would bend her over the barrel of oil in the stock room. BANG - BANG."

"Right in there with all the cockroaches, huh?"

"Yeah. What? You wouldn't do that?"

Marco poked out his bottom lip and shook his head. "Naw, she has bad teeth. I always smell her breath, man."

"So. Give her a stick of Double Mint and BANG - BANG - BANG."

"Naw... She's prolly a meth-head trucker-type girl, man. And you notice she always wears long sleeve shirts?" Jose nodded. "Prolly heroin, man. My guess... Prostitute on drugs, maybe got the VD too, man."

"You think?"

"Pretty sure, man."

Jose looked worried.

People Watching #16

Gloria and Janine...


"You won't believe what Mr. Turner in 4A just told me..." Gloria, standing, said in her under-her-breath voice. "He says, 'Baby got back', and this fool tries to grab me."

Janine looked down at her desk and shook her head.

"I'm thinking about letting him. It's been so long since I had a man touch it." They both laughed. "By the way, we still going out this weekend, right?"

People Watching #15

Carla & Janae...



...Janae (right) was jumping around singing the chorus to the new Birdman song she heard in the background. "I got money to blow / Getting it in / Letting these bills fold / All this skin / I got money to blow oh oh oh Ooo / oh oh oh Ooo/ oh oh oh Ooo/ oh oh I got money to blow..."

Carla (left) was yelling, "F*ck these bitches!" for some unknown reason.

Both women work at Trinty Health Systems, a non-profit health care facility in Ohio. Janae is a receptionist. Carla is the Head Registered Nurse. They decided to go out after work.


*"People Watching" is just short, random, fictional thoughts.

All Time Great Masturbation Lubricant

Have I gone too far? Sometimes you have to love yourself... I am confident enough in my booty acquiring skills that I can share this - any man saying he doesn't do this is a liar and the truth is not in him.

Palmer's Cocoa Butter has a more natural viscosity than Vaseline without the industrial petroleum jelly smell. And you can always explain the smell of cocoa butter - "I just took a shower...(or) My hands were dry...". Harder to explain a Vaseline smell - "huh, I'm...um...just moisturizing my lips..." - sounds suspect (no homo).

Buy my book, read some stories...LOL.

All Time Great Hygienic Must for Women

A bathtub. Really everyone should bathe frequently, especially women. I'm not talking about a shower. I'm talking about sitting your funky ass down in some steamy hot water with alcohol, vinegar, baking soda and a little honey, and letting it soak into those crevices. Let that bathing formula seep in those dark private regions and do the magic that toilet paper, baby wipes, and a hand rag can only hope to do.

I know some women are struggling, living in rented one-bedrooms in old apartment houses with exposed beams and drippy faucets and pipes in their bathrooms. Tubs that look like the bathtub in Saw. But if you have one of these 3rd World bathrooms, you have to befriend someone with a nice bathtub so you can dip the cooch occasionally. Or get a bathtub repair kit at Home Depot to give the tub a temporary brush up.

Women must bathe, especially if you have a wolf cooch. Really, you shouldn't have a wolf cooch, but let's deal with first things first. First bathe, we'll cover waxing later.

People Watching #14

Chianna...




"Where you at?"

"I'm out."

"I hear music in the background. Where you at?"

"Out. You don't tell me where you be at all hours of the night... Like I said, I'm out." It was silent on the phone, and a few seconds passed. "Look Bobby, I'm going to have to talk to you later..."

"Chianna?"

"Yes, Bobby?"

"Where you at?"

"Bye..."

People Watching #13

Jamila...


...Jamila owed her hair stylist, Baby Gurl, a bill ($100) for services rendered about a month ago. When Jamila came in the shop to get her butter whipped (new style) for the cabaret (grown-ups party) she planned to attend that weekend, she forgot all about the debt owed. Baby Gurl offered Jamila a way to payback the Benji, get her hair did, keep her little pocket change, and advertise Baby Gurl's services to the other "Grown & Sexy" ladies at the cabaret. Jamila happily accepted.

All Time Great Annoyance

Your 300-pound upstairs neighbors who stomp around the house like The Bushwackers from WWF. Are they practicing steps for a black fraternity up there? Are they building another apartment in their apartment? WTF! Damn!!!

All Time Great Annoyance Too

Your nagging downstairs neighbor who keeps knocking on your door asking you if you can walk lighter. WTF?! Do you want me to levitate around this muthaf"cker? Are you really asking me to slide instead of step around my own place? Really? Use a wheelchair...really?

All Time Great Tacky Christmas Tree

If you're holding out for these white artificial trees to comeback into fashionable Christmas home decor, why don't you go get a Jheri-curl too? Eventually, everything comes full circle...go get a panther tattoo while you're at it...

All Time Great Hood Wrapping Paper

Copy of the Sunday Detroit Free Press... If you crumble it really good, hood toilet paper too.

Homemade Stories Podcast #2

My second podcast... I'm a Lucky Guy, Right?

This one is Rated - R because it's mostly about sex. Give it a listen and enjoy...buy a zine...subscribe on iTunes...

LISTEN
Click HERE

and

People Watching #12

Women's thoughts and conversations...


"I know this bitch does not think she's cute with her tracks showing like that..."

"That's a nice style. It suits your face. I wish I could cut my hair that low and look nice."

"Ugh!! I hate being around this many bitches in closed spaces!"

"These women are gorgeous. What am I doing here?"

"Okay, I had a cracker and a bottle of water at nine, so I'll eat an apple and maple syrup water at noon, and another cracker for dinner."

"Okay, I had a Grand Slam breakfast at Denny's and threw it up...I'm getting hungry again now. I think I'll have Wendy's for lunch and throw it up, and a cracker for dinner."

"I told her like this...I will take your man and dump him. You keep talking shit."

"I don't even know why I'm with him, girl. He doesn't do anything. He sits around playing video games all day and climbs in the bed at night poking me in my back. Be serious! Get a job, ya know?"

All Time Great Boot

Classic Timberland Boots. Always in style.

**WARNING** If I catch a man in some Uggs I'm stomping his foot with my Tims on general principle... I'm pushing him in the snow and saying, "Get some MAN boots!"

Only the classics for me - no variations or silly colors.

All Time Great Cuss Word

It's so expressive. Stub your toe - "F@CK!!" Nasty horny - "I just wanna F&CK." Bold defiance - "F*CK YOU!" Suburban guy really happy about something - "F^CK YEAH!"

Some people are experts of usage and can rattle off about twenty different variations in a two minute conversation. Other non-cussers can use it sparingly to show serious disdain (i.e. "You're making me go there! F#CK you muthaF+CKer and the F$CKS that made you...Lord forgive me.)

It's just a great cuss word. Any favorites?