Help for Women (over 30)

Before I go any further, here's my disclaimer: this is going to offend some people. If you like me and don't want to have an attitude toward me, stop reading. However, if you are mature and honest, you'll say, "Damn, thanks for the straight talk. I don't know if I agree, but thanks."

If you're over 30 and single and you're having a tough time finding someone, I'm going to give you some of my thoughts I think can change your situation. First, I'm going to give you some simple straightforward suggestions and then I'll give some surefire ways that I know you won't do, but they're like a final "by all means necessary", "press the emergency button" approach to getting a man and quenching that loneliness. You can take it or leave it, but be honest, we all want somebody, right?

What qualifies me? I'm an over 30 magnet. That's all I'll say on that.

Things to do if you're over 30 and crave to have a man in your life: (in no particular order and not all-inclusive, but a good start)

1. Lose Some Weight. If you think there are no good men or wondering why no one is checking for you, and you're over 30 pounds overweight, you have an easy solution to all your man problems: Lose some f-ing weight. SURPRISE! Men are so different from women. When I see a friend who is waaay bigger than I remember him in school or college, I say three words that will inspire and challenge him to lose the extra pounds, "Damn, what happened?" (Someone said it to me when I got up to 270 - thanks.) Women don't say a thing to their friends and probably just think, "Less competition for me." But that's wrong, say something cruel and hurtful to set them on the right path, something evil like, "You know there are more calories in that ranch dressing than my cheeseburger?" Sacrifice your friendship for her happiness if you really love her.

Speaking of "sacrifice" (although this list isn't in order of importance, losing this weight is significantly urgent to your goal of finding a man and getting men checking you out -- so I'm going to stay here for a second), sacrifice the money and get a personal trainer. You tried the books ($15), the pills ($30), the gym membership ($60/month), break down and get someone to kick your ass in shape. Get the most expensive one you can afford, if it's cheap you won't commit. If you're dropping thousands - trust - you'll be at every session.

And if you're thinking, "Men check for me and I'm BIG and SEXY, what are you talking about?" The reason you're still manless and think all guys are "losers" is because "losers" check for you. Understand: Most men walk the path of least resistance. A guy whose game isn't up to par (unemployed, no car, on hard times) may usually check for under par women because that's where he finds the most success. So fat women and undesirables are his thing, he wears 24/7 beer goggles because of his circumstances. If those circumstances change, you better trust, your fat ass is out the door. Lose the weight, find better options.

2. Smile and Be Friendly. Some women have a life so rough, so filled with drama and strife, that they walk around with a perma-frown all day and all night and say to themselves, "Me against the world." Don't be that woman. Find something to smile about: think about your kids, don't think about your kids, have a joke resonating in your mind at all times. Make it a sincere smile and say, "Hi". SURPRISE! If someone looks at you, smiles, and says "Hi", smile back and say "Hi" back. Too simple?

Hundreds of thousands upon millions of over 30 women have had lives so rough, been done wrong so many times, or wasted their twenties being "ran through" on account of "having fun", that they're bitter, sour, and think every smiling man has some agenda. Don't be that woman. If you're already "that woman" get some self-help audiobooks, stop watching Cheaters / Divorce Court / so many Daytime Talk Shows, and listen to your favorite comedian (preferably male) to smile and laugh about life a little. If you smile, say "Hi", and laugh more your action will increase a hundredfold.

3. Stop being strong. Yeah, that's right I said it. Stop all that "I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T / Do you know what that means?" I know what it means - M-A-N-L-E-S-S. If your getting your advice from Webbie (Independent), Jamie Foxx & Neyo (She Got Her Own), and Beyonce, you're in bottomless pit of trouble. Basically those songs are tailor-made to increase record sales. Women buy albums and like hearing "independent woman" talk, so they make those songs to go platinum.

Men don't want their "strong" mama, and pay attention, their "strong" mama was, more than likely, manless - no offense to mamas. Men want what was promised in the songs: sugar and spice, everything nice, softness, sweetness, smiles, and delicate-ness. Excuse the pimp term, but women over 30 get waaay too "out of pocket" on some "I'm strong" ish. Understand: No one is checking for your strength. Maybe some "loser" who wants to be on some American Gigolo-type game and wants you to take care of him like his "strong" mama, but even him. He despises living in your home, driving your car, eating your food, and when he gets his "M-A-N" up enough to get his own, he will let you know how much he actually hates you because you held his balls in your jewelry case for so long.

So stop being so strong. Require some help. Don't be fake about it. Some women act sweet and soft as bait, but it's all a front, and when that sour, bitter, "independent" woman shows her fangs he can't turn a corner fast enough to run away. If you show some vulnerablility, weakness, and daintiness, he'll stand strong for you because he's necessary for you. But don't be fake about it - be real.

4. Hold your cards. Understand supply and demand, marketing, positioning, and influence. Don't read any more books on this because I'm going to spell it all out for you in these short paragraphs for free-99.

- Supply and Demand - There is a surplus of over 30 single women and a low-to-moderate demand. Know this, understand this, and navigate with these facts. To increase your demand you have to differentiate yourself from the surplus. Ways to do that is by: maybe moving to an area where the surplus is manageable (typically big cities like New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Atlanta, and others offer too much competition), lower your price (take your expectations down from the Morris Chestnut looks, Jay-Z money, Diddy drive to Rick Ross looks, check-to-check money, and security guard employee drive - as long as he treats you nice), expand to new markets (add different races, varying ages, and cultures to your mix - you are in high demand for the 60-plus single Italian/Jewish man). Find your equilibrium.

- Marketing - Accentuate your strengths physically, socially, and personality-wise. If you have a nice ass, don't put on black tights right out the gate and leave nothing to the imagination - just hint at it with a flowing summer dress (draw him in to want to see more eventually); if you got your ish together, don't say "I make six figures, I'm independent and don't need a man for Nathan" out of the gate - just give a hint when you drive up in the Beemer to ride in his '89 Buick Century (he's wowed by the fact that you are down-to-earth and are more than your career); if you already have a sense of humor, love to laugh, and love life in general - be yourself (don't fool yourself, everyone says they "love life" but some are sour, bitter, and want everyone to be as miserable as they are).

- Positioning - Stop positioning yourself against the twenty-somethings in Forever 21 dresses at the 18-and-up club wearing your Willona's Boutique church dress looking and feeling beyond out-of-order. Find a few grown-up night spots you attend occasionally, attend over-30-friendly events with your new smile and bright disposition, and expand your positioning online (stay off Myspace).

- Influence - I'm a smart dude. That's not a braggadocio claim, just truth, so I look at things from different vantage points to get a full perspective. In the book, "Influence - The Psychology of Persuasion" (great book for your library), the author talks about the persuasion of scarcity. Now this is a balancing act, but if you master it you will be beating men away from you with a blackjack, practice scarcity. Be unavailable early on. Risk losing him by not giving in to all his requests. Don't show your whole hand. It's not fun to play Uno if you lay your cards face up on the table - I'll win everytime. Don't say things like "I haven't dated in a while" / "I'm looking for a man" - that's showing your hand. Don't be oncall at all times - that's showing your hand. Don't fulfull every sexual lust he can imagine right away - you're showing your hand (and ass). Be a lady. A lady practices scarcity just by default. So learn what "a lady" is, and be that (not fake that).

5. Speak positive. Some over 30 women talk themselves into a life of loneliness, misery, and manlessness because they speak it on a daily basis. And before the church-going women cosign with an "Amen", and quote scriptures on confessions, they are some of the biggest culprits: "All I need is Jesus" / "I'm waiting on my helpmeet to find me" / "No man can do me like Jesus". So they find themselves in a continuous "waiting" state. They are comfortable "waiting", not going out having fun, meeting new people (away from the comfortable church), and being free, they're in bondage to "waiting". And you know most times who will find them? A big "LLLLL...LOSER", and truly they were better off with only needing Jesus.

When you speak positive, positive things happen. Love yourself. Tell yourself you're fyne. Stop judging yourself so much. If your teeth look like a bomb went off in your mouth, so be it (until you can afford implants). If your face looks like a big pizza pie, think "amoré" (until the Proactive starts to work). If you've been ran over more times than the potholes on Lake Shore, stop being a pothole. Tell yourself you're the shit - and be it (shit meaning good, of course).

Ok, this is becoming more engaged than I wanted it to, but oh well, so I'm going to speed through these SUREFIRE WAYS TO GET A MAN for the totally desperate over 30s:

- Become a penpal to inmates with a year or less left.
- Drastically lower your expectations. I mean handicaps, wheelchairs, over 70s, addicts, crazies, and basically whoever's breathing.
- Sponsor "losers". They will cheat occasionally and leave you when they move from "loser"-status, but you will have them for a time frame. Also there are a surplus of lifetime "losers".
- Become a bulldagga. Switch teams on a brother.

I don't really know why I thought to write this, but there it is. Take it for what it is - help. If it doesn't apply to you, pass it on to those you think can benefit from a man's perspective. Leave some comments, I'm about to go to the Bluesfest and sing the over 30 blues. LOL.


  1. I'm always smiling and I think that it's healthy...not only for yourself but not seem like a complete bitch to the world. Life is too short to walk around with hangups. Even if you don't "want" a man, working out and smiling will make you happier about your own life! Nice post...

  2. I loved...LOVED...really enjoyed this post! The loose some weight thing was really great but sadly you wont find any of this in a womans magazine where it really needs to be. They will be saying that "a true man likes your personality" LOL

    I also agreed with the Stop being strong part. My man likes to be the man and I totally like being the woman even though there are things I know that I can do, fix things, sort out my car, change my lighbulbs, I ask him to give him the male roles.

    Aggghhh this post was good and the last part for the real needy was hilarious!

  3. Just wanted to say that I like your blog...I am a new follower!

  4. @ South Loop - Keep smiling and enjoying life.

    @ Angel - So did you like that post? LOL. Thanks reading. My FB friends got a kick out of this one too.

    @ Bianca - Thanks for joining.

  5. Hey! Cool blog but I think you better send your reader's over to my blog to read about how to build a Dream Team! LOL

    I'm a fat girl....and I date very successful, attractive men all of the time. So, if someone is unhappy with their weight THEY SHOULD LOSE!!! But you can lose weight, or be skinny but if you are not confident or do not have a will still be single!!!

    Every woman is attractive to SOMEBODY!!! And I see plenty of fat chicks with husbands...and I see MANY skinny women that are there must be more to it than size.....

    Men like women with confidence, no matter WHAT SIZE they are....

    I wonder what fat chick broke your heart? LOL

    And I will lose some weight as soon as some of these guys start making enough money to buy my gym membership! LOL

    Enjoyed your post!!!

    Love & Laughter,
    Erica Watson

  6. @ Erica - Thanks for checking out the blog. There were a lot of points made in that post, but I didn't want to portray any pretention or ego - just straight talk. I've read your blog and I like your straight talk.

    I'm laughing b/c all the big girls (you self proclaimed it) got caught on the Lose Some Weight bullet. LOL. There were a bunch of other points, but that caught them. LOL.

    I love women all shapes and sizes. I love personality and smiles and sweetness. This was only real talk from a regular dude b/c there are so many over 30 singles. And they always ask me for some real advice. Men need work too, but it's not quite as rough, honestly.

    Glad you enjoyed:)

  7. Wow...I haven't cried this much in such a long time.

    This is by far one of the funniest blog entries that I've come across in a long time. I was not offended at all (then again, I am not 30+...not quite 20 either).I just discovered your blog today and I think I've found a gem.

    "you are in high demand for the 60-plus single Italian/Jewish man" My heart can't take it!

    "I'm laughing b/c all the big girls (you self proclaimed it) got caught on the Lose Some Weight bullet. LOL. There were a bunch of other points, but that caught them."

    I'm not mad at that. I'm overweight. But I would never use the term "big girl" to describe myself because it would only encourage complacency. I've lost a good amount of weight, but I could lose a lot more (headed to Brazil next year, gotta step my game up!). If you have the WILL POWER, no need to spend you dough on an expensive trainer. Do like I do: I go to the gym (for $10/month) 6x a week and every few days I catch one of the trainers between shifts and ask them something like "how do I go about working out my...ummm...what do they call those things? Obliques?" They always go into full on trainer mode. Just pretend like you don't know what the hell you're doing and be extremely gracious afterward and they fall for it hook, line, and sinker. After about a month compile all of those tips into a hardcore workout regimen and voila!

    Anywho, I am going to stop here because this comment has become extremely long-winded.


  8. @ Yeye - I'm so glad you found me and got a good laugh. I'm smiling reading your comment b/c I love your spirit and sense of humor (especially b/c you laughed at my lame jokes). Please don't be a stranger, ok?

  9. LOL, like this post. alot. some very valid points but some I don't agree with.

    The way you equate being independent and strong with being bitter and sour sounds a little misguided to me. Of course men don't want a I-dont-need-you-cuz-i-got-my-own-shit type of bitch, but men should be naturally attracted to a strong self-made woman. She does not have to throw it in their face, but a woman should have that ability to stand her ground, speak her mind, perservere through hard times, and stand alone if neccessary. Men should appreciate those qualities because those are the type of women that "hold you down" through rough times, and can help you if you need it. Contrary to what youve said, i believe only a Loser wants a weak, vulnerable woman who he can control. I would go as far as pointing out the obvious mysogeny going on in this post, but that might be a little extreme =]

    Second, i agree with Erica completely. It sounds contradictory to say love and accept yourself, and then say lose some weight to get a man? Women should lose weight for their health, and themselves. all other reasons dont matter because a man and everyone else can/will always find something wrong with you if its not your weight.

    third, surefire ways to get a man?
    LMFAO. your just wrong for that.

  10. I like you putting your opinion out there. People don't hafta agree, it's their choice and you are just openly expressing your view. Very cool.

    What stood out for me was 3. Stop Being Strong
    I don't mind a strong woman but some take it too far. Of course I want my woman to hold me up and support me, but as a man I want to feel that I am needed. It is part of being a man. We need to take care of ours and we take pride in it. Don't get me wrong, my woman is my equal partner and I am by no means in "control" of her nor do I want to be. But I need to have the sense that I am the protector, provider(not in a monetary sense)and supporter.

  11. First of all, thanks for stopping by my place and taking time to comment today.

    Secondly, I enjoyed this post because while I do think you are being honest and serious on one hand, I love your sense of humor in it as well. I think you hit a lot of truth for women in general (not just those over 30)that many women don't want to hear. Honestly, I think many women need to hear the truth and stop having things so sugar coated for them.

    I did read some of your other posts and enjoyed reading. You have a great way of expressing yourself and your little girl is precious!

  12. @ feenastyy - I love that you dropped in and enjoyed the post. Your blog is tight as f*ck - I need to borrow those graphic design skills. Anyways, we have a few disagreements. I can live with prob.

    I, and most people, work out to look good, feel good, and get that frequent ACTION - honestly. Health is important too, but...I'm just bn honest. Bluntly. However, you gotta LOVE YOURSELF no matter the situation - that's the X-FACTOR (I believe).

    @ MPH - Thanks for peeking in here. I enjoy reading your deep thoughts on your blog:)

    There nothing like a beautiful woman, soft and pliable, in a man's arms. We love that shit! And there's NADA wrong with that! Nothing at all!! I know you know what I'm saying...

    @ smiles4u - Thanks for checking in... I enjoyed the spirit and tone on your blog. Glad you got a laugh and everything. Thanks for the baby girl compliment - she is. :)

  13. @ Point 3...
    The last guy I dated told me at some point I was going to have to tuck my penis and let the man be the man...the problem is...

    I am 34, and I have pretty much taken care of myself since age 18...

    old habits die hard.

  14. I loved the post!! You had me laughing...I am skinny and single lol

  15. I too loved (most of)your post and your humor. I'm with Erika on the idea that "Men like women with confidence, no matter WHAT SIZE they are". I have a motto. I'm the woman you marry, not the girl you f*ck. So if a dude my age (37) is chasing tail half his age, he prolly wants one thing only. If you act like a 20 year old (or bitter 70 year old) and hope it leads to a respectful relationship you're fooling yourself. I've had two kidney transplants and love my body for the amazing gift it is. I'm not bitter, nor do I regret my struggles. Basically, I live in the moment and find laughter lights the dark. Oh, yeah and I'm with a man who sees me for all that I am, strong, independent, dependent and vulnerable--all at once. It's all about attitude. Check out my site where we aim to promote healthy self image for people of all races, cultures and sizes.

  16. @ Keli - LOL. I like my man. Now I'm waiting for an opening to use that one - "I'm going to need you to tuck your penis." Perfect. LOL

    @ JStar - Thanks for reading...

    @ Pia - Glad you enjoyed it. I agree with you and Erika. "Men LOVE a woman with confidence (in her femininity) no matter WHAT SIZE they are". I'm one of them:)
    The fact you've had TWO kidney transplants and so positive and comfortable being "you", I agree totally, You are an AMAZING gift. Keep that attitude.

    Great site too. Thanks for checking a brother out...

  17. Your blog was too funny! You have probably gotten a few people some dates!