Women! 5 Things a Man Does Before You Give Him Some*

1. He Actually Tries to Listen to You

He zones out occasionally, but for the most part he's trying to listen. This is your best opportunity to get to know each other, and possibly develop a relationship. There's a chemical released during sex that inhibits his ability to focus on what you're saying longer than five-minute spurts. Before sex, he may be able to hold multiple marathon-high-school phone conversations with you till 4am. After sex, the chemical released prohibits it.

2. He Notices All Your Positives

This man is looking at you with rose-colored glasses. He sees everything that is wonderful about you. You can actually probe this for information: "What do you like about me?" Your smile, your body, the cutest face, you smell so good, you're funny as hell... He's selling himself on a reason to invest his time, money, and attention.

After sex, all the negatives are glaring. I had a friend say he stopped talking to this woman because she had old hands. "Her hands look like my grandma's hands. All veiny and shit. Ugh." Do you honestly think he noticed that before sex. No he didn't. (I've heard, "Her abdomen is too long...with those short ass legs. Un-proportionate ass. Ugh.") Solidify your positives by holding out.

3. He Tries Not To Say Anything Stupid

This is hard. Almost impossible. But he tries. As he is trying to listen to your story about being stalked by this guy you went out with "like only two times", he's trying not to say, "Bullshit! Ain't nobody stalking your long abdomen ass. C'mon Son... getdafuckouttaherewitdatbullshit." It may slip, but he's trying.

After sex, he speaks at will.

4. He Holds His Fart

You're probably holding yours too. My advice is to keep holding yours - forever - I hate hearing women fart. But he's definitely holding his. He wants maintain a squeaky clean image in your mind, and improve all possibility of chance that you may put your warm wet mouth in the vicinity of that area at any moment's notice. That's the only reason he's holding it.

5. He Exercises

Even if he doesn't actually make it to the gym, he thinks about it. He wants to work on his stamina and muscle definition to impress you and put it down when the opportunity arises. Touch his arm. Tight, huh? He's been working out.

Extra news for you: He's actually doing push-ups in the bathroom right before you're about to give it up. That's what's taking him so long. He's using Wonder 8 Oil to get all shiny, slippery sexy for you. After sex, he's ashy, eating pizza. Hold out, get your future man in shape.

*Disclaimer: I write for regular folks. Regular men and women. Not players, pimps, or hoodrats. Squares who care about their credit score, have read a book in the past five years (outside of prison), and pay mortgages. There are cultures where beauty supply jewelry and twenty ones with a Benji on top is the only prerequisite for you to give it up. You're selling yourself cheap though - I'm just trying to help.


  1. LMAO. This is sooo true... I get the whole holding out thing...I do it for me until I know if you are "worthy" of this or not...I need proof beforehand...

    But the thing that bothers me is that....While he is "waiting" on me...He is out getting some from his "other" chic(s)

    And yea, he is 'tryin' to listen at first....but he is distracted by my cleavage or trying to check out how big my as* is when I turn around and looses concentration ha ha...


    My boyfriend defines all of these things...except the farting part. He must be squeezing his butt cheeks together or something. I've farted at least 3 times in his presence by mistake...before we even had sex or decided to officially be in a relationship.

  3. LOL! Yep, I totally believe these are man laws.

  4. @ JStar - I love the fact it's until he's "worthy" LOL. I hear that:) Why you worried what he does until??

    @ ABCDEFG...Z - Stop all that farting. That's nasty!!!

    @ CurvyGurl - Love your name btw...Believe and follow these laws. Make em wait. LOL!

  5. If that's true, how can you have a good relationship?! After sex, I mean.

  6. Oh, what about when you are in love? Does sex still release that chemical?