Shannon Cason's Blog and Stories

Beautiful Words

2012-01-25T23:39:00.003-06:00

Love the name of this event and love that I'm involved... March 2, 2012 / AWP Conference / Beauty Bar

Homemade Stories Podcast #20

2011-12-25T22:02:00.009-06:00

Dark Christmas Morning

The holidays can bring out the best and the worst in us... Merry Christmas is a choice.

Listen

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The Moth's 200th Podcast Features The Chicago GrandSLAM

2011-11-23T08:10:00.006-06:00

I'm so excited to be featured on The Moth podcast. The 200th podcast! Actually I thought there were more than 200, but the 50 or so I've listened to have turned me on the storytelling thing. I was only a hopeful writer, now I love performance storytelling just as much. My stories and podcast are available at the right, so please read or listen to more of my shit...and friend me on Facebook, say "Hi".

A little inside on that night:

I had been in my office (small closet in the back of the apartment) writing more, going to storytelling events, and literary readings. My fiancee, Cindy, had been watching me spend all this creative time with a supportive but skeptical eye, because I’m terribly underemployed. I have a MBA, but I sell women’s shoes at Macy’s. I probably should be sending out more resumes, instead of writing and telling stories at coffeehouses.

Cindy hadn’t been able to go to any evening events because we have a small child and I get nervous when someone I know is in the audience, but when I got invited to The Moth GrandSLAM at the Park West Theater, we got a sitter, and we both went. It’s funny because I didn’t care about the other 900 people in the room, the only opinion that mattered was Cindy’s. It was her first time seeing me tell a story. I did okay. I won. Cindy went crazy. It was a great moment.

I still do a lot of writing in my office/closet in the back of the apartment. I probably should be sending out more resumes.

Check out the article on The Moth blog and bios of the other storytellers HERE

Healthy Porn

2011-10-11T18:24:00.001-05:00

So true...

2011-10-10T08:47:00.002-05:00

Thank God we are underachievers...

2011-10-10T08:45:00.002-05:00

Homemade Stories Podcast #19

2011-08-07T11:32:00.003-05:00

High School

A coming-of-age story about finding my place...and lunch room fighting.

Listen
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Help 4 Women (over 30)

2011-06-22T07:29:00.002-05:00

Here's a YouTube video of a popular blog and podcast posting...Straight-forward, loving, and candid advice for single women from a male perspective. If it's not for you, pass it on to someone you think may benefit...

It's all love!

Chicago Tribune's Chicago Live!

2011-05-25T20:07:00.002-05:00

I'm talking about storytelling and The Moth at Chicago Tribune's Chicago Live! @ The Chicago Theatre! And I'm telling a story about my hometown, DETROIT!

Also appearing is Mayor Rahm Emanuel and Oscar- nominated Michael Shannon...how cool is that?!

Check out link below:
Click HERE

Beej N Dem

2011-05-24T11:02:00.006-05:00

Hopefully I can be a part of this...but even if not - Beej represents for Born Unknown! :)

Homemade Stories Podcast #18

2011-05-13T18:23:00.002-05:00

The Dentist

A story about going to the dentist...and a talk about resistance to creativity.

Listen
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Homemade Stories Podcast #17

2011-04-07T07:14:00.004-05:00

Insidious

My most revealing personal story to date...dealing with vices and weakness.

Listen
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Homemade Stories Podcast #16

2011-03-03T07:03:00.003-06:00

...Don't Read

An early writing about a teenager with a passion for reading, writing, and sex... Also, followed by a closely-related rhyme by none other.

Listen
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Coming Soon!

2011-02-24T08:57:00.009-06:00

A chance meeting between two cool guys at The Moth GrandSLAM. Add one other cool musician/songwriter. You get a really cool event!

Below is some of the first press for a show we are doing in Chicago this March - 3 Guys, 4 Stories, 5 Songs.

Sad Brad Smith is a Chicago singer/songwriter whose music has appeared on the motion picture Up in the Air. His new album Love is Not What You Need is available now.

Matt Miller is a stage director and acting teacher who has directed productions all around Chicago, including the highly acclaimed Graceland - a Tribune & Sun Top Ten of 09.

And me, Shannon Cason, a nobody...

AV Club article CLICK HERE

Show is at Messner's (3553 N. Southport, Chicago)
Mondays (March 14, 21, 28, & April 4)
Doors open at 7:30
Music and Stories at 8:00
$10

People Watching #24

2011-02-19T08:49:00.006-06:00

Arlene and William

Arlene said, “Huh?! Whaaat?”

William was thinking about another time. He once boxed against Joe Torres. Torres wasn’t a big name, but after Torres beat him he lost to Sonny Listen. So William got beat by the guy who lost a title fight in 1963. Then Liston got beat by Ali. Small world. The highlight of his life.

“Whaaat?! I can’t hear ya...Ma? Ya there?”

The women then were better than the women now, William thought. He could go to a supper party and meet a girl, and they’d dance, and they’d help each other out in ways. Now the women just wanted help, but they didn’t help him out too much. He could use some help every now and then.

“Ma?! I’ll be home in a minute...Ya hear me? Ma?!”

William wished the sea hag next to him would shut her pie hole and let him fucking think!

“Ma?! Ya there?! Ma?!"

I'll be Telling Stories @ This Much is True Chicago

2011-02-07T08:14:00.004-06:00

I'm telling a story at This Much is True Chicago at The Hopleaf (5148 N. Clark - Chicago) on Tuesday, Feb 8 @ 7:30. This storytelling event always has great talent so I'm happy to be invited. There's a lot of these storytelling events sprouting up...I'll keep people posted.

The Moth GrandSLAM!

2011-01-27T05:54:00.002-06:00

I was happy to be in The Moth GrandSLAM in Chicago last night. 1st GrandSLAM in Chicago! If you're unfamiliar, The Moth is only the biggest and most popular storytelling shit going on - if you're into that corny shit (which I am)...

The theme for the event was "Into the Wild", and there were stories about rabid raccoons, wild gay pride parties, Bigfoot got in on the action, some wild S&M police officers, and I told a story about the WILD streets of Detroit. And guess what? ...I just happened to win, which I'm pretty amped about...I've never used that word "amped" before but that best explains how excited I was.

Really, my girlfriend was more excited (amped). She doesn't get to get out much to see me do my thing and it's great to do a decent job when your girlfriend is there. So I don't have to hear the fake and uncertain words of encouragement "It was good...It was..."

Here's an article by Matt Byrne of the AV Club Chicago about the event, which includes a little 1-minute story by a few of us storytellers: Click HERE

Homemade Stories Podcast #15

2011-01-19T20:20:00.002-06:00

Help for Women (over 30)

Straight-forward guy's advice for single women...but what do I know, really??

Listen
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Heroes

2010-12-29T22:47:00.006-06:00

The two only African American superheros on THE R MEN (R for RESCUE), Master Blaster and Father Time, were at the Freedom Dome in the Mechanical Room.

“The crazy thing about these muthafuckers is that they usually come back stronger,” Master Blaster said. He was trying to push down the safety on one of his non-removable cannons. “That other dimension is like the prisons here. All the time they’re there the only things to do is lift weights, practice evil shit, and learn from more evil muthafuckers.”

“Yeah, but that’s for the next team to deal with...them bitches will be there for awhile,” Father Time said.

Master Blaster was looking around the utility table for something to wedge in the safety switch to turn it on. It was a small lever that had been broken down to a nub when he was dragged in the fight. “I can’t get this bullshit ON,” Master Blaster said frustrated.

“What you trying to do?”

“Turn this safety to ON on this cannon. Why the fuck I got this thing permanently attached is beyond me. I thought it looked bad ass at the time but I was fucking high as fuck...shit.”

“Hey you see the new bitch with The Good Guards. When they showed up and I saw that bitch, I was like Daaayum!” Father Time said.

“Oh, you talking about the bitch with the metallic blue tight shit on?”

“You could see camel toe in that shit! And her fucking powers, man!”

Master Blaster started laughing and nodding.

“This bitch started blowing shit!” Father time said, “To open her mouth that wide and start blowing fucking cars and muthafuckers outta the air...I got a hard-on when I saw that shit, man!”

Master Blaster was cracking up.

“...and the bitch’s name...The Blower, dawg!” Father Time started laughing. “Comeon...The fucking Blower, dawg.”

“Oh shit!” Master Blaster laughed.

Father Time floated up to the top of the room and leaned back and was lying on his back like floating in water.

“Fucked up what happened to Goo-Man,” Master Blaster said. He had found a small metal drill bit that fit in the notch and was trying to leverage it gently to ON, as not to break the nub off farther.

“Yeah, but honestly...between me and you, right?” Father Time was floating closer to Master Blaster. “I never really liked that muthafucker that much though.”

“Yeah, but he caught a bad one though...Tried to do too much in this fight, slipped on that shit, and cost him his life. But I hear what you saying...he wasn’t at the top of my list either.”

“I remember once, when I just started with the team and shit,” Father Time said while floating back up toward the ceiling. “We were headed to the African jungles to save these beast people. Long ass trip right? Because Silver Man couldn’t just teleport us there, because he was on some other planet or some shit. But anyways, long ass trip. And I had to sit next to this gooey muthafucker. So he keeps dripping all over my cape and all over the seats and shit. So I just ask if he has a way to put a plug on that shit or maybe get some towels or a containment suit until we get to the motherfucking place and you know what this muthafucker says? ‘Deal with it.’ All deep-throated and shit. ‘Deal with it’

“Then we get there...and these beast people ain’t really people, more like mutated apes and monkeys. The beast people stupid as shit. Fucking animals. We trying to help the muthafuckers find new habitat so they can live and the muthafuckers start fighting us. We trying to help the assholes. So the Goo-Man wants to get on some racist shit like ‘Can’t you talk to them?’ Like I speak monkey or some shit. Fuck Goo-Man and that stinky ass gooey shit...good riddings. Dumb ass.”

“Yeah, that shit did stink. But he was on the team, but I hear what you saying...maybe woulda lived if he had a containment suit...focus his goo and shit.” Master Blaster finally got the lever to ON. “Yes! I think I got this shit ON. I’ll take it apart to fix it later, but I just ain’t feel like fucking with it right now. Gotta take my whole arm apart to fix the shit. Fuck that, I gotta get some rest...”

Super Guy interrupted over the PA: “All R MEN report to the Hall of Truth for debriefing.”

Father Time said, “What this muthafucker want? His long-winded ass would want a meeting. Shit! Honestly Blaster, I don’t think I can do this team shit too much longer. The pay is good, but shit I can make it on the outside.”

Master Blaster said, “I hear some guys went to China and do pretty good. Or do special ops for the government? But I don’t have no special powers, I just blast shit. You could though...you definitely could. They like all that mystical hocus pocus shit. Comeon let’s see what this muthafucker is talking about...probably about Goo-Man."

Master Blaster got up from the bench in front of the utility table and walked for the door.

Father Time said, “I’ll be there in a little while...” He was beginning to float through the wall by a door that said Rest Rooms. “I gotta take a shit...” Then he was gone.

Types of P*ssies

2010-12-23T02:50:00.006-06:00

I was arguing with my girlfriend about some shit. You know what “some shit” is, don’t you? “Some shit” is when you get to the end of the argument and you can’t remember what shit started it, but shit starts flying everywhere, then you start a new, bigger, deeper argument based “some new shit” that was said, and you can’t even remember the original shit.

My girlfriend likes to get quiet in arguments at times, and I think that’s the worst thing to do in an argument. Because then it’s on me to say something interesting enough to warrant a response. I think Mel Gibson and his lady had this issue.

Well we were arguing and I said near the end of it all, “What I need is some is some regular, normal, girl-next-door, square pussy...I don’t need all this shit.” Some more shit was thrown, then she did more quiet treatment, then I got horny and wanted to feel on her, then I apologized, then I had to go to work.

But while I was walking to work, I thought about that statement I made. “What I need is some regular, normal, girl-next-door, square pussy...” And I thought of all the different types of pussies there is out there, and these are the thoughts I had of the different types of pussies while on the train:

You’ve got your gun-toting pussies - These pussies will stash drugs, conceal weapons, run a route, fuck in visiting rooms, put you up on the latest slang and rap music, very loyal, but come with a lot of stupid fucking drama...smh

Then there’s these terrorist Al-Qaeda pussies - hates all men, wishes the world was full of dry, sour, stinking pussies just like them, willing to strap on bombs and explosives and go into the largest crowd of men, say a football game, and blow itself up, screaming, “Fuck All Men!” Just to make a point.

And your independent pussies - they’re like pussies with a purpose. Very strong pussies, work out every day, can snap a dick like a pencil, non-emotional, briefcase carrying pussies that only want to know the bottom-line. “Snap-Snap!” (sound of dicks snapping)

There’s Similac pussies - young, green pussies that haven’t quite determined what kind of pussy they want to be yet, so there coasting along happy-go-lucky and free. Hopefully, they avoid Al-Qaeda pussies, but they will select their major in pussy college later in their studies.

New pussies - could be any old used pussy, but new to me...not yet determined pussies.

All kinds of pussies out there: hallelujah pussies, abandoned pussies, dancing pussies, black hole pussies. I've barely scratched the surface on all the different varieties of pussies there is, but these were just my thoughts on the way to work:)

SC

Homemade Stories Podcast #14

2010-12-20T12:46:00.003-06:00

My Christmas Blues

A story about the true meaning of Christmas...shopping:)

Listen
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The Moth StorySLAM Busted!

2010-11-04T19:20:00.002-05:00

My Moth StorySLAM story about getting busted in a relationship with a little bit of undeserved revenge...

Homemade Stories Podcast #13

2010-10-19T07:36:00.003-05:00

Jesus Stole My GF

A true story about how Jesus keeps snatching up the women in my life...

Listen
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Outta My Mind (over Kanye's Runaway)

2010-10-12T07:43:00.003-05:00

...more me, rhyming over Kanye's Runaway beat. I love the lyrics, because they ring true. You have to get the fuck outta your head sometimes to see things differently. Get outta of your own way...Free your mind, your ass will follow!

Homemade Stories Podcast #12

2010-09-27T08:08:00.006-05:00

I'm the Bitch in the Sebring

A true story about relationships, compromise, and a car with no brakes...

Listen
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All Time Great Awkward Moment

2010-09-25T05:23:00.004-05:00

When you wake up in the morning in a queen sized bed with hotel crisp sheets and so many pillows it looks like one of the beds at the mall...and in the crease of your underarm is a woman, sleeping soundly, that you hardly know ...and you’re shocked because she looks good. You don’t have to chew through your arm this morning.

And she wakes. Her breath smells like stale alcohol, but not too bad. She looks up at you, and kisses you on the lips, and says, “I gotta fix breakfast.” And climbs over you -- you feel her body, her breasts, prickly hairs -- and she walks outta the room stark naked, and you watch her bouncing booty jiggle out the door.

You stare at the ceiling and think, “Damn, I wish I could bottle this moment.” And you hear the sizzle of bacon, then the smell, and you think about how comfortable the bed is, and how you really should buy better sheets...and you remind yourself that a fine ass woman is in the other room who thought enough of you for the evening to let YOU spend time in her vagina, and now she’s cooking YOU breakfast - YOU ARE THE MAN!

And you finally leave the comfort of the bed with a 3/4 chubby, and feel pretty confident about it swinging like that, so you walk past your boxers on the ground, and go to the kitchen to rub it on her while she cooks ...and you walk into a kitchen of children getting ready for school.

...And the really effed up part is you’re the only one really embarrassed. The kids just laugh it off, and the mother is still naked...effed up man!

IDK #2

2010-08-22T21:21:00.005-05:00

I don’t know...

I was thinking about something walking home from a bar. I passed by this halfway house in the neighborhood. It’s a nice halfway house: well maintained with a garden area. I’ve seen some fucked up halfway houses with zombies standing on the lawn like they’ve just dug themselves out of a grave. I’m from Detroit. But this was a nice one. Still I saw a few crazies and thought about a question...

Who would I be if I snapped? If something traumatic and horrible happened that made my brain say, “I’m getting the fuck outta here!” Who would I be after that? I honestly couldn’t see myself as the guy who rides the ten-speed with reflectors and flag poles and shit. I don’t think I’d become that guy. I think I would be a really vicious nutcase who would crash and burn really quickly, if I were to become a nutcase. Maybe I’d go around smacking people or throwing bricks on the underpass or pissing out of windows - something crazy- but still I don’t know...

Think about it...what kind of nutcase would you become? The docile headcase that sits in his piss feeding birds and squirrels or an aggressive wacko with the crazy eyes who walks around barefoot in the winter with a butcher knife in his diaper? Or something totally different?

People Watching #23

2010-08-21T06:38:00.005-05:00

John...

I'm not big on stereotypes and generalizations.

But this guy looks like he would roundhouse kick the shit out of me if he knew I was taking his picture.

Okay...John...

Once a probationer told John, he would "stomp out his little ass standing, bitch!" when he violated the guy for a bad drop. It wasn't his first time being threatened because of his small stature.

In his job at the Cook County Office of Adult Supervision as a probation officer, he found his best way to command respect was a simple tight white t-shirt. For some reason, a small Asian man in a tight white t-shirt doesn't get fucked with.

IDK #1

2010-08-20T03:23:00.004-05:00

I don’t know...

I always wonder little things...and many times I don’t have the balls to just ask. Blogging is a pretty non-confrontational way to get those questions out there. People on blogs are a bit more honest it seems, they seem pretty straight-forward and frank, they talk about things they probably wouldn’t talk about to the guy on the bus seat next to them... so I’ll use these idk posts to get some questions out there... hopefully someone is listening so I can get a little information, but I’ll be patient for answers.

Women , I was thinking about this the other morning... How do you feel about the “pull-out method”? You know what I mean? When the guy pulls it out just before creating a new life...and there’s really no where for it to go, but on your belly or back. It could go on the sheets, but who wants to change the sheets every time? The best and easiest clean up would be on your skin.

How do you feel about that? Is that an enjoyable experience? Do you like that? Or is it just disgusting and you bear it because you agree, “who wants to change the sheets every time”? I'm curious... (question directed toward women, no offense:)

The Many Faces of...

2010-08-20T02:21:00.002-05:00

Homemade Stories Podcast #11

2010-07-23T08:32:00.004-05:00

Old Man on a BMX

Take a ride with Shufflin' Man on his bike to visit the most important woman in his life...

Listen
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All Time Great Rudeness

2010-07-20T19:36:00.005-05:00

I saw this woman on the train the other day. She left her home in an obvious attempt to look cute: yellow summer dress, flip-flops, cocoa buttered herself thoroughly, threw on some sunglasses.

Now this is a crowded Red Line train to the Loop in Chicago... Why and the fuck does she think she's entitled to take up four fucking seats on a busy train wit her fat ass? Sorry for calling her a "fat ass" - not nice - but why? This is the attitude that keeps her life busted and disgusted. I can guarantee she's busted and disgusted - look at her expression.

Lesson: Don't be this woman!

Don't be rude to strangers
Don't let your default expression be mean
Don't overeat
Don't do not exercise (yeah I said it!)
Don't feel entitled
Don't be the ignorant center of attention
Don't don't care
Don't Don't Don't

Maybe her feet just hurt really bad. Or she has to keep her ankles elevated. I don't know. But she just looked like the cliché mean black lady putting her dry ass feet up taking up a bunch of room on a crowded train with the expression "you better not say nothing". If it wasn't crowded I wouldn't care - look in the window reflection, all seats were filled.

Usually I'd crack a joke at her and, respectfully and jokingly, break her down a little to get to the real person. Make her smile. But that day I didn't have the energy, so I just snapped the pic. She probably would have mistaking my speaking to her as trying to holler...LOL

All Time Great Exception

2010-07-05T20:58:00.008-05:00

I'm really not that into chubby white girls...

People Watching #22

2010-07-02T06:58:00.004-05:00

Claudette...

Claudette once tapped a young girl woke with her foot. The girl riled up annoyed. Claudette said, "It's best to nod when the sun's up, when it's down a lot of shit happens you wanna see coming."

Another time she told the girl, "Don't be on that Southside too much. Dem white muhfuckas Up-North don't fuck wit you like them black muhfuckas, they just look... You gone get your ass in trouble following that rock."

A while later, Claudette asked Johnny if he had seen that young girl anywhere around. Johnny said he hadn't. He said, "You know these young ones don't last." He was eyeing the Grand Lux doggy bag. "Lemme get that last bite."

Light Up Remix (4 The Youngins)

2010-06-24T06:42:00.002-05:00

...me over a Drake beat...I'm so freakin' hip hop. My girlfriend says cut it with the music, focus on finishing my first novel (multiple drafts necessary) - but it's a fun distraction.

Homemade Stories Podcast #10

2010-05-20T06:27:00.003-05:00

Nursery Rhymes

A couple of stories inspired by nursery rhymes...(not children's stories however)

Listen
Click HERE

There was an Old Woman (a story inspired by nursery rhymes)

2010-05-13T07:48:00.006-05:00

Original:
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do;
She gave them some broth without any bread;
Then whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.

Inspired:
My foster mom was shot in the calf. She was walking from the bus stop to our house on Perry Street and a random shooting took place. I'm sure they weren't shooting at her, it was just an errant bullet. She went to the hospital. A neighbor drove her. They bandaged her and she came home. She wasn't even gone long enough for us to get into trouble. And she still walked to work the next day. She never really talked about it. She walked with a cane afterward, but she was that type of person - she never complained.

Our house was different from the other single level houses on the block. It had a long covered porch that protruded from the front like the bill of a boot, and the back of the house went up three floors. The top floor was more like an attic, but was used as a room, because there were so many of us.

Most of us had come through the foster system. Some where abandoned grandchildren given to her to raise. I had been there the longest and was the oldest, at that time.

She stopped working at the uniform store because of her leg pain. The owner outfitted the house with a huge sewing machine in the front room, and would drop off large quantities of uniforms. My foster mom would sew badges and names on the uniforms on the covered porch. Police officers, Firemen, Postal workers. She would look out at the children playing in the front yard. Sometimes officers would come to the house to pick up a new uniform.

I left when I turned 17. I received a state grant to go to the university. When I said goodbye there was no big send off, I remember her looking up from the sewing machine, saying "Good luck". There were others who left before me for whatever reason. The state had sent her more kids because she was in the house full time. I don't remember all the names.

When I saw the news report of the shooting, I wasn't shocked. There were always shootings, but I didn't know if the name they said was one of the foster children or one of her grandchildren. I wanted to go to the house to find out, but I doubted she would tell me anything. Only ten-years-old. I intended to go to the funeral, but I never found out the information or if they had one.

The next news report, years later, I went to the house. There was a gang of news people on the lawn and the entire neighborhood filled the street. From what the reports and the neighbors said, she had put a sedative or drug in the food. One of the neighbors said Kool-Aid, but we never drank Kool-Aid. Then she shot each child in the head and drugged herself.

I guess she thought she was saving them. They interviewed me and I said, "She just always seemed tired, but she was a good woman."

There was an Old Woman

Mary Mary Quite Contrary (a story inspired by nursery rhymes)

2010-05-13T07:39:00.006-05:00

Original:
Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells, and cockle shells,
And pretty maids all in a row.

Inspired:
I had names for our neighbors. There was the Big Driveway Man. He had a big driveway. The Big Antennae Man and Lady. They were married. Same idea, a big antennae in the back of the house. There was a man who lived alone at the end of the block. He always had people coming in and out of his house, and good-looking girlfriends. I think he sold weed. His name was Buckethead. Everyone called him that. Egor was the guy with the hunched-over back. His wife looked normal, but we called her, Mrs. Egor. There were others: Cadillac Man, Mr. Pervert (don't ask), and Mr. George (It was his real name. He lived next door to me, so it was easy to remember. Although I don't know if it's his first or last.)

There was one lady, Ms. Mary Mary Quite Contrary. She lived in a small home in the middle of the block. The house was always quiet - no family - just her. Overgrown rose bushes covered the steps to her porch and front door, and vines ran up one side of the cottage home. My older sister gave her the name. The story my sister told: Ms. Mary Mary had three children my sister played with in her beautiful yard when she was young, when I was only a baby. Then the children mysteriously disappeared and three tombstones were placed in her garden at the back of the house. The story spooked the Hell out of me and I avoided Ms. Mary Mary at all costs.

One of my chores was to cut our grass to earn my allowance and thought it would be a lucrative idea to offer my services to the neighbors. I always enjoyed tending the lawn, it wasn't work for me to be out in the sun, the smell of fresh cut grass and moist soil, and it turned out to be a great business. My sales pitch was easy. I would go to the door with my lawnmower on the walk and say, "You want me to cut your grass?" It wasn't an enthusiastic hard sell but I didn't discuss price. I would just cut it and they would pay me what they wanted. Most times I'd get more than expected.

The Big Driveway Man would give me $20 dollars and he only had a sliver of grass in the front of his house because of the big driveway. And the Antennae Lady paid well and she only had a sliver in the back, the big antennae was cemented down. Mr. George, Pervert, Buckethead. Egor said he'd cut his own lawn - it was painful to watch. Cadillac Man paid the worst -- one time he forgot to pay me anything.

One day I was cutting Mr. Pervert"s lawn, I was thinking of what I would buy with my accumulated savings. I could get some brand-new Air Jordans (my favorite player) or a Sony portable CD player...a Turbo Grafix-16 if I saved a few months. My mind was browsing the aisles at Highland's Electronics when I felt a tap on the shoulder. When I turned, I almost jumped out my shoes. It was Ms. Mary Mary Quite Contrary. She wore a flowered gown with slippers. She had stringy gray hair and her wrinkled skin looked like it was melting from her skull. She scared the shit out of me. She said in a gravelly voice, "Why haven't you asked to cut my grass?"

I didn't have an answer. I was still waiting for my heart to dislodge from my throat. She said, "I didn't mean to scare you. Cut my grass when you're done here. I'll pay you good." And she walked back to her house, I waited with the lawnmower running, watching her vanish behind the house to the back door.

I wanted to just go home, but I thought it would be against the law to discriminate my services. My sister said once: if you open a business, you have to serve any and everybody. She told the man at Sander's Candy Shop that, so I started cutting. The lawn was mostly crab grass and weeds. It would grow back quick. What she needed was a good weed killer. And a trimmer for her hedges and bushes - with some love and hard work it would be a beautiful yard. When I finished cutting in the front, Ms. Mary Mary opened the door and yelled over the bushes blocking her porch, "Come around to the back door."

I came around expecting to be paid. I wanted no parts of cutting the backyard and no interest in locating any tombstones. When I looked in back, she wasn't there. There were more weeds and a garden that overpowered half the yard. Mrs. Mary Mary's voice came for the door at the rear, "In here...Come on."

I went through the gate separating the backyard to the door at the rear of the house. "Come on..." she said from inside. The heavy door was open, only the screen was closed. I wanted to say, "I'll just wait outside." But my voice didn't work. I opened the screen.

The inside smelled like onions, cigarette smoke, and baby diapers. She said "Go down stairs and get my trimmers to cut my bushes. I'll pay you good." Her voice sounded like the static from a station not tuned in completely.

I spoke back into the house in the direction of the voice, "I-I-I just...I just...was going to cut the front for you...It's no problem...you don't even have to pay, okay?"

"Nonsense boy! Go down dem stairs and get the trimmers to cut my hedges. They should be hanging on the wall." Her voice was stern and sounded like it was far back in the house. "Go down those stairs, boy."

I wanted to run but I was more scared to disobey for some reason, and I descended into the deep. Light from the windows at the top of the foundation walls lit the crowded basement. It was full of boxes and crates. Damp flowered nightgowns hung from an indoor clothes line. It looked like a group of Ms. Mary Mary's hovering in space.

In the far corner was lawn equipment. There was an edger, weed-wacker, brooms, and rakes. I looked at all the tools and imagined all the extra services I could offer if I had those supplies. Our block would be the best looking neighborhood in the community. All the money I'd make: I could buy Jordans, a CD player, and video game system in no time - maybe a bike. There was a chain saw, a sledge hammer, an axe, and a pitch fork. Then I remembered I was in Mrs. Mary Mary Quite Contrary's basement, who knows what happened to her children...The trimmer. Where was the trimmer? There was a tap on my shoulder. How does she do that?

"Here it is, boy." I jumped, knocking over the rakes and brooms and fell on the cement slab basement floor on top of the tools, to look up at Mrs. Mary Mary standing, blocking a beam of light shining through the window. Her face darkened by the shadow, holding 8" blade trimmers... And she laughed.

"Boy, you scare too easy. And when you're done in front, cut the backyard."

I trimmed her bushes and cut the backyard. When I got close to the garden, I did see three rocks that were make shift tombstones. The rocks had names that were painted on. It was faded, but still readable. I looked back at the house first, then read the stones: Alexis, Tabitha, and Kitty. Who would name a child "Kitty"? I thought at first, then "Ohhhh, they were her cats." And I sighed relief and smiled at the faith a brother puts in an older sister's tales. Then a shock went down my spine, another tap on the shoulder.

I was more composed this time when I turned this time, and Mrs. Mary Mary was standing with a scowl and a butcher knife in her hand and buried it into my chest... But that was only my imagination. She was standing there, and she got in close to say something - close to my ear as if someone could be listening. I could smell her stale breath and the smell of wrinkle cream like my grandmother. She said, "I'll give you a little extra, if you run down the street to Buckethead and pick up something for me."

Mary Mary Quite Contrary

Love is Real (over Afta-1)

2010-05-11T16:55:00.001-05:00

Guess I'm in a music mode...Hip hop is therapy:)

Being Me (over Dilla)

2010-05-10T09:05:00.002-05:00

I don't rap...I just rhyme occasionally for therapy's sake:)

I heart Readings

2010-04-29T06:56:00.003-05:00

May 6th - Uncommon Ground, North of Wrigley...I'm going to do something inspired by nursery rhymes...I think.

All Time Great Hilarious Video

2010-04-27T08:14:00.004-05:00

I actually couldn't stop crying laughing watching this...I don't think it was meant to be that funny. Insane Clown Posse are from my hometown too, Detroit. I avoided them purposely (that's why I'm late seeing this video). I used to get mad back in the day because they'd sell out the State Theatre all the time - now I'm a fan. I didn't know...I didn't know...Hilarious!

The open legs and the rainbows...Classic!

Ppl I Don't Like

2010-04-25T10:20:00.009-05:00

Not all-inclusive and based on how I'm feeling at that given moment...

1. Anyone who calls me "sweetie", I ain't your f*cking sweetie...(and women reading this, STOP calling me that on purpose, b/c you know I don't like it)

2. Niggas overdoing nigga type shit...I won't cosign stupidity...

3. The lady at work who takes her job way too serious...

4. Anyone's who's elitist and clique-ish - military, political, church, bloggers, wherever - I don't want to be in your club...

5. Ppl who know too much random information...I really don't care about the migration of Neanderthals across Europe...I watch the Discovery Channel too. These ppl are really not that smart, they just have good memories - there's a difference.

6. Ppl with fake smiles - waitress, flight attendant, church usher - it's okay not to smile if you don't feel it...

7. Women posted up like security at the club/bar/lounge - face balled up. Damn, smile, have fun...it's okay to smile:)

8. Ppl who's first excuse is the blame someone else...Naw, it's YOU - you're the problem.

9. Anyone who calls me "playboy", WTF? I notice Hollywood ppl use the term a lot...I don't like it.

(I will add to this list occasionally, when I'm especially annoyed by someone...)

Homemade Stories Podcast #9

2010-04-22T17:37:00.004-05:00

The Purple Tape

A mid-90's scene of friends doing much of nothing, listening to hip-hop...some good commentary at the beginning and end.

Listen
Click HERE

Women! 5 Things a Man Does Before You Give Him Some*

2010-04-21T09:47:00.007-05:00

1. He Actually Tries to Listen to You

He zones out occasionally, but for the most part he's trying to listen. This is your best opportunity to get to know each other, and possibly develop a relationship. There's a chemical released during sex that inhibits his ability to focus on what you're saying longer than five-minute spurts. Before sex, he may be able to hold multiple marathon-high-school phone conversations with you till 4am. After sex, the chemical released prohibits it.

2. He Notices All Your Positives

This man is looking at you with rose-colored glasses. He sees everything that is wonderful about you. You can actually probe this for information: "What do you like about me?" Your smile, your body, the cutest face, you smell so good, you're funny as hell... He's selling himself on a reason to invest his time, money, and attention.

After sex, all the negatives are glaring. I had a friend say he stopped talking to this woman because she had old hands. "Her hands look like my grandma's hands. All veiny and shit. Ugh." Do you honestly think he noticed that before sex. No he didn't. (I've heard, "Her abdomen is too long...with those short ass legs. Un-proportionate ass. Ugh.") Solidify your positives by holding out.

3. He Tries Not To Say Anything Stupid

This is hard. Almost impossible. But he tries. As he is trying to listen to your story about being stalked by this guy you went out with "like only two times", he's trying not to say, "Bullshit! Ain't nobody stalking your long abdomen ass. C'mon Son... getdafuckouttaherewitdatbullshit." It may slip, but he's trying.

After sex, he speaks at will.

4. He Holds His Fart

You're probably holding yours too. My advice is to keep holding yours - forever - I hate hearing women fart. But he's definitely holding his. He wants maintain a squeaky clean image in your mind, and improve all possibility of chance that you may put your warm wet mouth in the vicinity of that area at any moment's notice. That's the only reason he's holding it.

5. He Exercises

Even if he doesn't actually make it to the gym, he thinks about it. He wants to work on his stamina and muscle definition to impress you and put it down when the opportunity arises. Touch his arm. Tight, huh? He's been working out.

Extra news for you: He's actually doing push-ups in the bathroom right before you're about to give it up. That's what's taking him so long. He's using Wonder 8 Oil to get all shiny, slippery sexy for you. After sex, he's ashy, eating pizza. Hold out, get your future man in shape.

*Disclaimer: I write for regular folks. Regular men and women. Not players, pimps, or hoodrats. Squares who care about their credit score, have read a book in the past five years (outside of prison), and pay mortgages. There are cultures where beauty supply jewelry and twenty ones with a Benji on top is the only prerequisite for you to give it up. You're selling yourself cheap though - I'm just trying to help.

Homemade Stories Podcast #8

2010-04-12T20:34:00.007-05:00

Busted!

A true story shared at The Moth StorySlam about getting busted out in relationships...

Listen
Click HERE
or

and

All Time Great Underachievement

2010-03-19T04:17:00.004-05:00

I'm amazed by musicians. The hours accumulated practicing to perfect their art: horns, guitars, percussion, vibraphone (I love the vibes), piano, I even admire a dj on the turntables. But I was watching a band the other day and there was a dude on stage shaking a tambourine, and I was totally unimpressed. I thought, how hard can that be? I could do that. My grandma does that at church. Does a tambourine player have to practice? I know sometimes talented people can make a thing look easy, but playing the tambourine looks really easy.

After shaking the tambourine for a while, he picked up a metal triangle dangling on a string and a metal rod. WTF? ...I finally see an easy way in on my dream of becoming a jazz musician.

Homemade Stories Podcast #7

2010-03-17T07:19:00.006-05:00

Peanuts

Small-time thugs collect from an old friend...

Listen
Click HERE
or

and

Homemade Stories Podcast #6

2010-03-04T10:14:00.007-06:00

He Said, She Said

A story about a guy dealing with relationships...

Listen
Click HERE
or

and

Homemade Stories Podcast #5

2010-02-17T13:00:00.011-06:00

- photography of Spencer Tunick

My Father's Camera

A story about a son, his father's camera, creative expression, and reality...

Listen
Click HERE
or

and

All Time Great Humbling

2010-02-15T10:05:00.004-06:00

I recently read a story at the Story Club, held at Uncommon Grounds in Chicago. I've been trying to get more performance experience lately. Last year, I was just writing and reading as much as possible, and this year I still write and read constantly but I have a good handle on the crime novel I'm writing (3/4 done with the 1st draft), so I've been trying to get as much experience and exposure in performance arts.

I've seen some great performances of poetry, stories, comedy, and acting. I've attended the events as a fan and as a student - to see what works and what doesn't. But you can only learn so much from the sidelines, so I've been taking the opportunity to share at open mics and literary events that will have me.

My first few went extremely well. I got a lot of laughs for my story, I'm a Lucky Guy, Right. I won a Moth StorySlam with My Chicago Blues. And my podcasts are being downloaded consistently. So when I saw the Story Club coming up again, I looked through my stories and found one I thought would work...

It didn't.

Well, it was okay, but I didn't feel it. I still like the story, but it may not have been right for the crowd and I didn't really practice it enough. It may be too slow-moving of a story and a bit confusing if you're not fully engaged. My job is to engage with the audience in the performance and with the writing, and I give myself a bad grade.

The point is: I love being humbled. I love learning from failures. What works? What doesn't work? And having the freedom to experiment with ideas too. Not being afraid to fail. I just thought I'd share my experience along the way because it may be encouraging and helpful to others on their journey.

It wasn't a total bad experience because the organizer inquired about me being a featured storyteller in the future. If you'd like to read my substandard performance story, here it is: He Said - She Said. I may still do a podcast for it anyway, we'll see...

All Time Great Annoyance

2010-02-15T09:18:00.003-06:00

A pimple in an odd place. I recently took a shower, I take them ever so often, and I felt a tinge of soreness on my skin while washing. I felt for it and it was a pimple in the oddest place. I'm not going to say where. I don't feel comfortable with giving that information, but it was just strange and I know I'm not the only one.

I know anywhere there is skin, and that's everywhere, a pimple can occur. But it's annoying to have to put pimple cream in odd places. Just saying. (No, I'm not saying where...)

All Time Great Literary Site

2010-02-09T04:04:00.005-06:00

One of my short stories was recently published by the people at Joyland. Joyland is a online publication dedicated to short fiction and showcases literary talent from specific locales. My story, My Father's Camera, was chosen to represent Chicago and the Midwest.

Please visit Joyland.ca and read my story about a son, his creative expression, and harsh reality. Also, there is a lot of other wonderful fiction from writers around the world.

Remember to buy my first short story collection, Homemade Stories, for only 5 buckaroos - quite possibly a collector item! :)

People Watching 1-5 - YouTube

2010-02-07T13:31:00.003-06:00

Having fun with it...

All Time Great Throw Away

2010-02-03T17:05:00.001-06:00

Old musty crusty pillows. I recently stayed at someone's house and this is the type of pillow I was presented. "Oh, let me get you a pillow case." I'm not so classy that I didn't rest my head on ten years of head sweat and slobber, but I'm just saying. There comes a time when you have to throw away shit. Or just be honest and say I should just ball up my coat. Nobody wants to sleep on that pillow.

Homemade Stories Podcast #4

2010-01-28T11:14:00.011-06:00

X
I went to The Moth StorySlam in Chicago, actually right down the street from where I live. It's a storytelling competition. I told a story about neighborhoods and happened to win:)

This is the story, which is actually about much of nothing, but My Chicago Blues...

Listen
Click HERE
or

and

People Watching #21

2010-01-27T09:42:00.007-06:00

Johnny Hawkes & the Bluesettoes...

Johnny Hawkes and the Bluesettoes once toured with B.B. King and Bobbie Blue Bland. In New York, they opened for a sold out audience at Carnegie. It was the highlight of Johnny and his band's career. As blues music's popularity waned, so did the Bluesettoes. All the way back to the jook clubs and chitlin circuit venues that weren't out of business.

Two things Johnny misses about the Big Time: 1. The pay was better 2. And the groupies were a whole lot cuter.

People Watching #20

2010-01-26T10:06:00.007-06:00

Lisa & Carey...

"So what're ya gonna do?" Carey asked.

Lisa shrugged and mumbled some noise.

"You hafta have some kind offa idea..." Carey said, looking in her purse for no reason.

"My thing is why is it that men can get away with just saying, 'Whatever you do, I stand by you.' What the fuck kind of response is that? And I haven't seen em for what? Two days. And he won't answer his phone. What he's saying is 'Do it and then call me afterwards' and then he'll say 'I can't believe you did it' and he'll leave me -- conscious-free -- because in his mind he didn't tell me to do it."

"You ain't telling me nothing new, Lisa."

"He's an asshole."

"They all are."

All Time Great Worst Camera Angle

2010-01-22T04:26:00.003-06:00

I'm watching porn the other day, (well let's be honest, it's playing on another tab right now) and I thought the camera shot where they get a closeup of the guy's face just before he squirts mayonnaise dead in the drugged-out single mother's eye is worthless.

A man has got a rhythm going, trying to synchronize, and then there's a closeup of this razor bumped guy's "O"face. It throws a man off that's all I'm saying. LOL. TMI, huh?

People Watching #19

2010-01-21T05:40:00.007-06:00

Rachel & Un-Sub

The body that would be found in the back of the BMW was Rachel Harrisburg. Her mother would say she hadn't spoken to her daughter for two weeks. Her friends would say it had been about that long - two weeks. A Missing Person's was unreported because everyone said Rachel was known to drop off the face of the Earth at times. Later, it would be evident she danced at a Las Vegas gentlemen's club on occasion.

The unknown driver fled the stolen foreign vehicle after the collision. The city worker who witnessed the accident asked the other driver with the caved-in hood, "Did he just run away?"

"Yeah, he just ran. So you saw that? Fucking weird."

There would be 15 Missing Person's Reports that fit Rachel Harrisburg's profile. The investigation remains unsolved.

Words of Wisdom from Dad

2010-01-19T09:27:00.002-06:00

I listen to this sometimes in the morning to motivate me to get started. It's clear straight-forward hustler's advice to that encourages hard work. Listen up to 1:13 at least. Dad is a Detroit legend in the hair game, check out his book Hair Designers Magazine...

...Also I received a random email from a person who enjoyed my podcast. If you haven't subscribed subscribe - it continually gets better. The random listener blessed me with this inspiring quote:

Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence.

Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent.

Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.

Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.

Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.

The slogan "press on" has solved, and always will solve, the problems of the human race.

You can remember it by remembering "NTGEPT" - easy as that:) Just thought I'd pass on the kick in the ass. Get to work!

Haiti

2010-01-15T13:13:00.012-06:00

I'm walking to the Jewel Osco, the grocery store right around the corner from my place. The weather's mild. The snow is melting. I'm jumping over a few puddles that collected by the curbs. I'm on this healthy kick for the new year. At least until I'm noticeably thinner and I miss Julius Meinl's almond croissants too much.

There's a sale on Eat Smart Vegetable Stir-Fry microwaveable bags. 99-cents, limit 3. So I've been spending $3 ever time I visit to stock up. $2.59 regular price. I pick up Gi-Joe from the RedBox DVD vending machine. I've heard it sucks but I'll risk wasting a buck.

I'm woking - if that's a word - frying veggies in the wok, youknowwhatI'msayin'? A little olive oil, some cooking spray, so it doesn't stick, a couple bags of stir-fry, a little stir-fry soy sauce, and "Voila!" - healthy goodness.

At the TV, I'm pressing the ALL PWR button and either the TV is turning on or the cable box is turning off. I'm pressing CBL. An ABC Special World News is on. Diane Sawyer - "man I like her" - is walking on the streets of Haiti with rubble all around. My daughter is bumping my foot with the hard plastic of her walker. "Ouch, Zo-Zo-Ma-Go-Go..."

Diane is asking some family about something. She's speaking the language. I'm impressed - "Damn, she seems like such a sweet person." The people look desperate. "What these vegetables need is hot sauce? Go get daddy some hot sauce sweety...No?"

I'm at the TV shaking out hot sauce and Diane is interviewing this man who lost his oldest daughter. His youngest daughter is lying down on the ground with a bloody leg and a T-shirt around her head soaked with blood. He's saying, "Man, I need help. Please help me with my daughter, man. I need medicine or something for my baby. Just help me, man." His voice is helpless.

I'm staring at the ceiling, letting the tears soak back into the tear ducts. One gets loose and I dab it out with my shoulder. I tell myself, "I couldn't imagine." Now another one gets free, so I shut off my mind till my eyes dry out. I'm wondering, "Will texting Wyclef make me feel better?"

I'm looking around the room. I'm thinking of all that I am and all that I plan to be. I'm picking my youngest daughter out of her walker. She's grabbing for my glasses. I'm staring at her - staring - as she chews on my frames.

Later, I'm watching Gi Joe. It's not a bad movie. You can't expect too much from these blockbusters, they're really only meant to be fun.

Officially OUT!

2010-01-15T08:18:00.011-06:00

The General has spoken! Classic example of the power of satire...

So what's in?

*

I don't know if I totally like the alternative. But I'm not considered young anymore...

*That second pic was shared by the evil atasteofangelcake.blogspot.com - no homo (that term is officially out too I think).

A bubble?! LMAO!!

Homemade Stories Podcast #3

2010-01-11T07:41:00.009-06:00

The Beginnings of Lil Knuc-Knuc

This story is a companion partner to the YouTube PSA, Top Places Black Men Get Killed. A scene from the life of Delvon Lindsey Carter AKA Lil Knuc Knuc...

LISTEN
Click HERE
or

and

All Time Great Winter Hat

2010-01-09T08:29:00.002-06:00

It took a long time for me to get one of these frumpy dog-eared hats, but the guy at the store sold me on it. I usually just go to the Beauty Supply and buy a batch of skullies in every color, but the guy said these hats are great for that Chicago winter cold, and I've been walking in it a lot more lately.

I have to admit, it's a great hat. I don't know what took so long for me to catch on. Maybe because skull caps are so mean-looking. Difficult to look hard with a fur ball on top of your head, but it's the equivalent of Uggs for your head...

However, I'm not being sold on Uggs, no matter how good the salesperson is.

People Watching #18

2010-01-08T07:12:00.006-06:00

Dolly (Art Series)

Her Craigslist Adult Services profile said:

•*'"*•ೋ UPSCALE ೋ BUSTY ೋ BLONDE ೋ PLAYMATE ೋ WITH LONG LEGS •*'"*• - w4m

She didn't exactly lie, but her trick was still disappointed.

All Time Great Good Feelings - Class C

2010-01-04T14:24:00.003-06:00

Yelling and applauding for your favorite artist or band or comedian to return for an encore, standing on a sticky concrete floor just so far from the stage, floating on the wisps of weed smoke and the waves of the last $15 drink, holding an attractive stranger in your arms, you think said her name was Melinda or it could be Lucinda or maybe Heather, but she's touching you like you're hers, and the artist or band or comedian comes back and performs as if they're having a spiritual experience on stage, and the audience and all that are present are intertwined in the fabric of the same glorious moment, and as you lift your cellphone backlight and sing every word, you feel so alive.

Other Class C Good Feelings:

Watching your favorite team win the championship in the final seconds surrounded by people who love the team and the game as much as you...
Finishing up the most intense workout with a massage by young Russian hands, falling asleep on the table...
Getting a goodbye kiss from your wife or live-in before she goes on a planned vacation with her girls, leaving you alone to fart, drink, and watch porn and sports as your heart desires...

All Time Great Good Feelings - Class D

2010-01-03T12:04:00.004-06:00

Drinking coffee in the morning before the sun comes up, standing at the warehouse dock on the empty bed of a Ford F550, after all the complaining union drivers have left with their loads and before any of the rowdy bi-lingual pickers arrive and before any angry customers or salespeople call and the only sound is the backup beeping of the Receiving forklifts at the back of the warehouse out of sight and holding that ceramic-vendor-swag mug with Colombian aromatic steam lifting from it and the chill of the air is just cool enough to numb your knuckles and nose, letting you know you're alive.

Other Class D Good Feelings:

Smoking a cigar on the balcony with the door open and Al Green or Bobbie Blue Bland or The Black Keys or Rick Ross blasting from the stereo inside...
Falling asleep on an sparsely seated Amtrak car from Chicago to Detroit, waking right at arrival...
Finishing the last chapter of a good book on the EL...
A favorite new magazine and a #2 coming in your own comfortable bathroom...

YouTube - Top Places Black Men Get Killed PSA

2009-12-30T10:50:00.004-06:00

Too much time on my hands... My lady says I have the voice of a fat man. Check out my first YouTube post. Next time I'll just turn on the webcam. Happy New Year!

All Time Great Worst Gift Ever

2009-12-26T09:20:00.004-06:00

Twelve year old, talking to his estranged father by phone...

"Hey Sport."

"Hey Dad."

"I'll be there for Christmas. You know what I got ya? I got you one of these game systems you wanted so bad."

"Really Dad. The Xbox 360?!"

"Yeah Sport. Something like that...I got it for a really good price."

"Yes! I love you Dad. Can't wait to see you..."

"Love ya too Sport."

Guaranteed disappointment.

People Watching #17

2009-12-23T13:56:00.011-06:00

Jose and Marco...

(translated from Spanish)

"What you think about Alice?"

"Alice? Who's Alice?"

"The new waitress. Nice ass." Jose pointed toward her with his eyebrow. "I would bend her over the barrel of oil in the stock room. BANG - BANG."

"Right in there with all the cockroaches, huh?"

"Yeah. What? You wouldn't do that?"

Marco poked out his bottom lip and shook his head. "Naw, she has bad teeth. I always smell her breath, man."

"So. Give her a stick of Double Mint and BANG - BANG - BANG."

"Naw... She's prolly a meth-head trucker-type girl, man. And you notice she always wears long sleeve shirts?" Jose nodded. "Prolly heroin, man. My guess... Prostitute on drugs, maybe got the VD too, man."

"You think?"

"Pretty sure, man."

Jose looked worried.

People Watching #16

2009-12-23T09:46:00.004-06:00

Gloria and Janine...

"You won't believe what Mr. Turner in 4A just told me..." Gloria, standing, said in her under-her-breath voice. "He says, 'Baby got back', and this fool tries to grab me."

Janine looked down at her desk and shook her head.

"I'm thinking about letting him. It's been so long since I had a man touch it." They both laughed. "By the way, we still going out this weekend, right?"

People Watching #15

2009-12-22T08:03:00.005-06:00

Carla & Janae...

...Janae (right) was jumping around singing the chorus to the new Birdman song she heard in the background. "I got money to blow / Getting it in / Letting these bills fold / All this skin / I got money to blow oh oh oh Ooo / oh oh oh Ooo/ oh oh oh Ooo/ oh oh I got money to blow..."

Carla (left) was yelling, "F*ck these bitches!" for some unknown reason.

Both women work at Trinty Health Systems, a non-profit health care facility in Ohio. Janae is a receptionist. Carla is the Head Registered Nurse. They decided to go out after work.

*"People Watching" is just short, random, fictional thoughts.

All Time Great Masturbation Lubricant

2009-12-21T21:11:00.005-06:00

Have I gone too far? Sometimes you have to love yourself... I am confident enough in my booty acquiring skills that I can share this - any man saying he doesn't do this is a liar and the truth is not in him.

Palmer's Cocoa Butter has a more natural viscosity than Vaseline without the industrial petroleum jelly smell. And you can always explain the smell of cocoa butter - "I just took a shower...(or) My hands were dry...". Harder to explain a Vaseline smell - "huh, I'm...um...just moisturizing my lips..." - sounds suspect (no homo).

Buy my book, read some stories...LOL.

All Time Great Hygienic Must for Women

2009-12-19T16:32:00.008-06:00

A bathtub. Really everyone should bathe frequently, especially women. I'm not talking about a shower. I'm talking about sitting your funky ass down in some steamy hot water with alcohol, vinegar, baking soda and a little honey, and letting it soak into those crevices. Let that bathing formula seep in those dark private regions and do the magic that toilet paper, baby wipes, and a hand rag can only hope to do.

I know some women are struggling, living in rented one-bedrooms in old apartment houses with exposed beams and drippy faucets and pipes in their bathrooms. Tubs that look like the bathtub in Saw. But if you have one of these 3rd World bathrooms, you have to befriend someone with a nice bathtub so you can dip the cooch occasionally. Or get a bathtub repair kit at Home Depot to give the tub a temporary brush up.

Women must bathe, especially if you have a wolf cooch. Really, you shouldn't have a wolf cooch, but let's deal with first things first. First bathe, we'll cover waxing later.

People Watching #14

2009-12-16T10:12:00.004-06:00

Chianna...

"Where you at?"

"I'm out."

"I hear music in the background. Where you at?"

"Out. You don't tell me where you be at all hours of the night... Like I said, I'm out." It was silent on the phone, and a few seconds passed. "Look Bobby, I'm going to have to talk to you later..."

"Chianna?"

"Yes, Bobby?"

"Where you at?"

"Bye..."

People Watching #13

2009-12-15T07:09:00.003-06:00

Jamila...

...Jamila owed her hair stylist, Baby Gurl, a bill ($100) for services rendered about a month ago. When Jamila came in the shop to get her butter whipped (new style) for the cabaret (grown-ups party) she planned to attend that weekend, she forgot all about the debt owed. Baby Gurl offered Jamila a way to payback the Benji, get her hair did, keep her little pocket change, and advertise Baby Gurl's services to the other "Grown & Sexy" ladies at the cabaret. Jamila happily accepted.

All Time Great Annoyance

2009-12-10T18:48:00.002-06:00

Your 300-pound upstairs neighbors who stomp around the house like The Bushwackers from WWF. Are they practicing steps for a black fraternity up there? Are they building another apartment in their apartment? WTF! Damn!!!

All Time Great Annoyance Too

2009-12-10T18:43:00.003-06:00

Your nagging downstairs neighbor who keeps knocking on your door asking you if you can walk lighter. WTF?! Do you want me to levitate around this muthaf"cker? Are you really asking me to slide instead of step around my own place? Really? Use a wheelchair...really?

All Time Great Tacky Christmas Tree

2009-12-10T17:18:00.008-06:00

If you're holding out for these white artificial trees to comeback into fashionable Christmas home decor, why don't you go get a Jheri-curl too? Eventually, everything comes full circle...go get a panther tattoo while you're at it...

All Time Great Hood Wrapping Paper

2009-12-08T18:56:00.003-06:00

Copy of the Sunday Detroit Free Press... If you crumble it really good, hood toilet paper too.

Homemade Stories Podcast #2

2009-12-06T22:58:00.021-06:00

My second podcast... I'm a Lucky Guy, Right?

This one is Rated - R because it's mostly about sex. Give it a listen and enjoy...buy a zine...subscribe on iTunes...

LISTEN
Click HERE

and

People Watching #12

2009-12-02T10:42:00.006-06:00

Women's thoughts and conversations...

"I know this bitch does not think she's cute with her tracks showing like that..."

"That's a nice style. It suits your face. I wish I could cut my hair that low and look nice."

"Ugh!! I hate being around this many bitches in closed spaces!"

"These women are gorgeous. What am I doing here?"

"Okay, I had a cracker and a bottle of water at nine, so I'll eat an apple and maple syrup water at noon, and another cracker for dinner."

"Okay, I had a Grand Slam breakfast at Denny's and threw it up...I'm getting hungry again now. I think I'll have Wendy's for lunch and throw it up, and a cracker for dinner."

"I told her like this...I will take your man and dump him. You keep talking shit."

"I don't even know why I'm with him, girl. He doesn't do anything. He sits around playing video games all day and climbs in the bed at night poking me in my back. Be serious! Get a job, ya know?"

All Time Great Boot

2009-12-01T07:27:00.005-06:00

Classic Timberland Boots. Always in style.

**WARNING** If I catch a man in some Uggs I'm stomping his foot with my Tims on general principle... I'm pushing him in the snow and saying, "Get some MAN boots!"

Only the classics for me - no variations or silly colors.

All Time Great Cuss Word

2009-12-01T07:00:00.006-06:00

It's so expressive. Stub your toe - "F@CK!!" Nasty horny - "I just wanna F&CK." Bold defiance - "F*CK YOU!" Suburban guy really happy about something - "F^CK YEAH!"

Some people are experts of usage and can rattle off about twenty different variations in a two minute conversation. Other non-cussers can use it sparingly to show serious disdain (i.e. "You're making me go there! F#CK you muthaF+CKer and the F$CKS that made you...Lord forgive me.)

It's just a great cuss word. Any favorites?

All Time Great Leftovers

2009-11-28T07:23:00.002-06:00

After Thanksgiving...hope you had a good one.

People Watching #11

2009-11-24T04:03:00.009-06:00

Corey...

...I'm walking down Lincoln and I had this gum in my back pocket I forgot about. It was all sticky and soggy from sweat because it had been in my back pocket for a while. So I wanted a piece and I peeled the wrapping from a stick, but it was a sticky mess. I put what gum I could peel off in my mouth, ya know... It was my ass-sweat, so it was cool. And I threw rest of the gummy packaging to the ground, but I didn't see Corey right in front of me.

"Man, what the f*ck? You see me out here sweeping up cigarette butts. How you just goin' throw that shit down right in front of me?"

"My bad, dawg."

Homemade Stories Podcast #1

2009-11-21T17:02:00.015-06:00

I'm happy to share my first podcast. I bought a $30 mic, played around on my computer, and BAM! Podcast.

I'm reading my story, First Warm Day, a story about two young school kids in Chicago on the first warm day of the year. Enjoy and thanks for listening...get a book...subscribe on iTunes...

LISTEN
Click HERE

and

Women! 5 Things Your Man Wants (PSA #2)

2009-11-20T04:22:00.017-06:00

Your man is simple. A complicated man with depth of sensitivity, and a breadth of understanding of women, and that can be empathetic to femininity and effeminate pursuits is usually woman-less...or a major player...or not on the opposite team. But your man is simple.

These are some simple things your simple man wants...

1. Some Peace and Some Quiet

These are ready-made responses that mean your man needs a little space for a bit:
a.) "Umph...Okay..."
b.) "Oh yeah..."
c.) "Alright then..."
d.) "Huh?"
e.) "Yeah..."

Enter the correct response:
"What do you want for dinner? We got some chicken in there or some pork chops...I think I'm going to make that chicken because it's been in the 'frigerator. Cook it before it goes bad..." (______) "Oh yeah, we need to get the Sunday's paper this weekend. All the Black Friday specials are going to be in it. Target is going to have a 32-inch for like $250. I know Wal-mart is going to have a camcorder for a good deal..." (_______) "You gotta see this Oprah. I recorded it. This lady on there is...I hate Tyra. Her big headed ass. She's so judgmental..." (_______) "That's why I don't hang with Tasha...because her scurby ass...and she had the nerve to say her son is gifted, that's why he eats crayons like that..." (_______) Oh yeah, baby? Can you go to the store and get some... (______)

*If your man is smart, he will listen to your rant. That's his job. If the woman is smart, she won't ask him to repeat anything she just said.

2. A Plate Brought to Him

It tastes better. Your man finds few things more comfortable than to sit down and have a hot plate of food laid before him in love and happiness. Even if not in love and happiness, just thrown on the table in anger and disgust is cool too.

My grandma used to 'xtension cord whip me and still brought the plate to the table, hot, with a small plate of sliced tomatoes with a little salt and a capfull of vinegar on top. It just tastes better. Oh, and a glass of sweet tea.

3. A Safe Ride Home

Women are natural multi-taskers. However, your man doesn't want a demonstration of this on the Dan Ryan Expressway.

His only benefit of letting his woman drive is a deeper relationship with God. His prayer: "Father, I know I haven't spoken to you in some time, but Father, Lord God, I beseech you. Deliver us home safely." He sees she's trying to take off her coat, while changing lanes. "Jesus! I plead the blood of Jesus over this vessel. Ministering spirits, go before us and clear a path." Her phone rings. "Satan, I bind you, in Jesus' name. I put my foot on your head and command you to FLEE!"

4. Privacy

Your man's nightmare: Beautiful day. Your man leaves the house, smiling. He's driving on Lake Shore about six seven miles from home, noticing the waves on Lake Michigan, the joggers on the path. He thinks of something. He thinks, oh yeah I wanted to call...and pats around for his phone. He can see it in his mind on the dining room table at home, in plain view.

If you're in a happy, loving relationship, leave your man's phone, laptop, and emails alone. Don't "friend" him on Facebook. Don't ask why he had to go on the porch to talk. Just believe that his battery did go dead on his phone and he couldn't find the car charger. Believe him when he tells you he hugged an elderly woman wearing a lot of perfume. Just be happy!

5. Unexpected Pleasure

If you're not putting unexpected Kool-Aid smiles on your man's face, you have issues. He should be reciprocating, but there's an old adage that remains true: Ladies First!

All Time Great Turn Off

2009-11-19T16:09:00.005-06:00

WTF?! I HOPE those gladiator Marcus Aurelius/Julius Caesar/Jesus/Moses/Methuselah sandals were just a last year trend. Those are some ugly ass shoes...y'all know they ugly.

All Time Great Turn On Too

2009-11-19T15:47:00.007-06:00

Correct-fitting heels on a lady are an ultimate turn on. I say "correct-fitting" because if you have to take them off every five seconds and the only topic of conversation is how bad your feet hurt, that's annoying. Get the bigger size! "I'm a nine and a half" F**k that! You're an 11! Take your sasquatch foots to Zappos.com and special order the right size.

Anyways, heels are sexy as hell...especially if cooking or cleaning in em, then I'd go crazy. :)

All Time Great Turn On

2009-11-18T18:20:00.004-06:00

I'm not trying to be sexist. But a woman cooking is, and always will be, sexy. Something about having two of the greatest temptations right there: hot food and a hot lady. It's the perfect opportunity to get your feel on. She's turned from you and you come up behind:)

Cleaning is sexy too. I hope I'm not being too sexist. But damnit it is!

People Watching #10

2009-11-18T11:39:00.006-06:00

Rose...

...Rose couldn't keep from laughing telling her story. "So he's laying there, girl." She coughed on a french fry. "Talking about he wants to take care of me. I'm the best thing that's happened to him. He wants to me to have his children..." Rose was doubled over laughing.

"And this was y'all first time together?" her friend asked.

"Yes, girl. I've only known this man two weeks and he acting like this." Rose got her last few laughs out. "I want to put this man on hold, girl. But I'm scared he's going to stalk me or something."

People Watching #9

2009-11-16T14:37:00.004-06:00

Sheriff Hawthorne Tillman...

...before Sheriff Hawthorne Tillman 'came law in Cook County it was basically a free-for-all. A man survived by watching his back, staying quick on the draw, and keeping his enemies in the sight of his six-shooter. Women and kids were damn near prisoners in their own homes.

The first thing he did was kick the shit outta all the riff-raff. Had em leave and hung his boots on the welcome post as a reminder not to return. He told them that was left, the town had new rules. He wrote em on a 5x3 board, leaned against the wall on the porch of Arnie's Brothel so it was sure to be seen. It read:

1. NO smacking round the wenches.
2. ALL firearms must be turned in to Sheriff's Office. Gave back when you leave.
3. NO public drunkenness.
4. NO wall drawing.
5. NO pissing in the troughs.
6. If you caught stealing, Sheriff puts back on his boots.
7. ALL civil problems settled man-to-man in the courtyard.

All Time Great Razor Bump Solution

2009-11-16T07:16:00.006-06:00

High Time Bump Stopper-2 Double Strength for those stubborn unsightly bumps...

BEFORE:

AFTER:

All Time Great Thanksgiving Savings

2009-11-14T04:54:00.002-06:00

There's a man lurking through the cars parked outside the grocery store, asking if anyone's paying cash for their Thanksgiving dinner. The Food Stamp Man can be a 25% to 50% instant coupon, depending on your negotiation skills. So don't be nervous when he comes to your door window. He's not there to rob you, but to pass on some holiday cheer.

All Time Great Hoagy

2009-11-13T20:05:00.003-06:00

Home of the Hoagy on 111th in Chicago. Don't call in. It doesn't matter, they'll start your order when you get there. And the wait is super long. The service has an attitude. You can complain with the other people in that little ass waiting area, but when you bite into that soggy sweet beefy shit, it's all worth it. Go, if you haven't been. And get some sauce on your fries...

All Time Great Photo Op

2009-11-12T06:33:00.003-06:00

The wicker chair. You haven't lived the black experience yet until you've had a wicker chair photo. I will bless my kids with the opportunity one day, even if I have to weave the chair myself by hand.

Thank You

2009-11-11T19:08:00.001-06:00

People Watching #8

2009-11-11T15:25:00.000-06:00

Multiple Choice...

a. Patrice thought, "Why is it because I cross my legs like this people just assume I'm a 'sir'? It's just more comfortable for me..."

b. Patrick thought, "Just because I'm wearing a light orange polo doesn't mean I should be mistaken for a woman. Can men not like pastels?"

c. Pat reads from Our Health magazine: "Best Places To Meet Other Transgendered Hotties"

*Fiction of course...I'm kidding.